I’m not sure why I can’t get you to understand that he doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t even dislike you. If anything he pushes for us to work things out, to be close again. (Probably he wants me to rattle on about Ghost Hunters to someone whose actually interested!) He knows I’ll need you all when he’s gone. He understands there were other issues going on back in the spring, and that anything that happened then doesn’t need to continue until now. I can’t say enough that he has no resentments. But you seem to hold a grudge against him, thinking he’s holding one against you. I’m not really saying anything about you to him. One way or the other. Same with everyone else. Except when something happens and I say “Oh I had dinner with Mary and Brittany” or “I went to the movies with Kristi the other night, Wes has been out of town for 2 weeks”. I’m certainly not saying anything bad about you. And he’s not thinking anything bad. Because I don’t FEEL anything bad about you. He takes his cues from me, and I'm telling him things are good.

When I said I wanted to start over, that’s what I did. Anything that happened from last October to June, I’m not worried about anymore. I want to rebuild and we can’t do that on a big mess. I don’t feel ANY anger towards you. I can say that with complete conviction. I may be tentative, but I think that’s best for starting over. Wading back in slowly, instead of jumping right into the deep end and expecting we know how to swim this territory.

I’m not sure how or why you feel like my last priority. I say that with no tone or snark or anything. I truly don’t understand why you feel like that now. I thought things were going pretty well… we don’t see each other that often, I’ll give you that, but I don’t really see anyone that often. (Except Colleen. I see her all the time!) But I’m just not sure why you feel that way. Can you explain it? And can you try not to assume you know what I’m thinking or feeling? I’m not trying to deny that you FEEL last. What you feel is what you feel and that’s not in my control. But I am denying that I know why you feel that way. Remembering, starting over. No assumptions or presumptions about where the other is coming from. So, from scratch, tell me why you feel last on my list as of late.

Also, tell me about David. I truly don’t understand and I don’t even know what’s going on there. But you mention him a lot and I want to know what’s going on. Again, start from the beginning.

He's not even been gone a full two weeks. That leaves me over 55 more when all is said and done. It's hard adjusting to him being gone. Not because I didn't expect it. Not because I'd change anything and do it differently. Just because he was a part of my every day. Since he had summers off, if I was here, he was here. I left him in the morning, I came home to him. 

I miss him. 

He's so good to me. I wrote him a big long letter, that I intended to give to him before he left. But then decided that the 3 week training wasn't the time to give it to him. I need him to know I'm supporting him. I need him to know I can do this. 

But what I wanted to tell him, was this:

I love that you never leave the bed, or the house, or let me leave the house, without kissing me goodbye first. 

I love how you always reach to hold my hand first. Whether it's just us sitting on the couch, if were at dinner with your sister or at a bar with your friends. It makes me feel so...wanted. Like you want everyone to know that I'm yours.

You always impress me with how good you are to your mom, and that stinky dog. From everything you've said, our mothers are a lot a like. Or at least were at one point. Mine's like a different person now. But I still lose patience with her quicker. You never do. No matter how she picks at you or what she says or does, you're nothing but patient and good to her. Same thing with that dog. While it makes me laugh how much you love him, it melts me a little to see you be so sweet to him. Just by looking at you, you don't really give off that vibe of sweet. But it's there. 

Just like your silly. You crack me up with your voices and teasing, just because it's so unexpected. 

I like how you take care of me. Opening doors, cooking dinner. 

What I miss the most though, if I had to narrow it down, is the nighttime stuff. Not *that*. Though that too. But the brushing our teeth together, putting on our pajamas, locking ourselves in the house and then laying there all tangled and cuddled talking about everything and nothing. My favorite thing is laying there, wrapped around you, your hand in my hair and on my back. I love that you always kissed my forehead or shoulder, first thing when you woke up. 

It almost makes me cry how you genuinely want to meet my family. Want to see where I'm from, want to know my past.

I love how you really listen, and really remember. Things that I've forgotten I told you. Big important things, and tiny little things.

I like that you never made me feel anything other than wanted. All the time. 

Come home soon.

That's not enough, to describe how much I love him, admire him. Miss him. But it's a start. And I think that that's what you need to know first, starting this. I need you to know how big a part of my life he is now. How much I love him, how much I want him around, how good he is to me. Whether you ever like him or not, I needed you to know all of that. And I'll keep trying to explain it, what he does to me. Because I want you to like him, just because he loves me.

I'm glad we're doing this, I want to get to know you again. I want you to know me. Because I feel more like myself than I ever have before. I don't want to lose you. So I'm happy we're making an effort.